In the beginning of your relationship, where you were so connected to another that you lost sight of who you are separately from the other, you naturally then came to a place where you had to refocus on reclaiming who you are as individuals to prevent from being totally swamped by the other. invariably this move away from the other is made by one of you first. As this happens, the other of you is often left wondering – ‘where has the love gone?’.
As you work your way through this stage, a reconnection will happen but in a very different way to the connection you had in the first stage.
Your connection now feels more solid and even your sex life can feel new and more satisfying. This is not to say that it will be all clear sailing from here. There will be issues and disputes between you but you both think more positively about your capacity to deal with these issues and find a satisfactory resolution to them instead of automatically responding as you might have before in a more negative way.
This stage is also defined by, not just an acceptance of the differences between you, but by a celebration of those differences. When one or other of you highlights another perspective on an issue, it doesn’t feel threatening to the relationship but instead is applauded as it gives rise to conversations that allow both of you to take a closer look at what it is you each really believe and maybe to even modify that belief as you come to understand the others viewpoint.
What this means is that though there still may be times when you return to that old way of being, between feeling like you’ve finally made it and feeling like all is lost, this is mostly a time when you both feel more connected with each other at a more enduring and loving level.
This stage demonstrates then a very different quality to the “We”ness: one which includes a deep respect for the healthy existence of the two separate “I’s”.
If you successfully navigate your way through this stage you will feel more supported, than stifled, in your relationship. There are fewer statements of “I need….” from each of you and more statements of “I would like…” or “I really want…” in the knowledge that you can survive whether you get it or not. This is for you independently of each other as well as for you as a couple.
When your partner says ‘no’ to something you have asked for, you hear it as an expression of who they are rather than a harsh rejection of who you are. And when issues arise between you they are dealt with more quickly to the satisfaction of each of you rather than becoming long drawn out battles based on, not just the issue at hand but on every transgression that might have ever been committed.
Tasks for this stage:
The tasks for those of you going through this stage include expanding your ability to come close and then to move apart again as is appropriate to the situation. The principal want is to spend more time together as any threat of being swamped by the other has now been cleared.
This stage also highlights a developing sense of security between you and a readiness to give to the partner, even when it may be inconvenient to do so. While sexually there might not be the same passion as in the beginning stage the sexual connection becomes more about connecting emotionally and about seeing that each other is being satisfied rather than a focus on your own satisfaction only.
This stage is therefore really about setting the theme for how you will manage your relationship into the future.
To see what happens next keep an eye out for my next article.
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